McSweeney's Lists

WAYS IN WHICH SHE COULD HAVE BLINDED ME WITH SCIENCE.

BY JULES LIPOFF

She exposed me to excessive ultraviolet radiation, which gave me terrible cataracts.

She removed all traces of vitamin A from my diet.

She launched well-targeted projectiles at my eyes, causing severe trauma.

She poisoned me repeatedly with steroids, which over time caused the formation of a pituitary tumor that pressed against my optic chiasm severing my optic-nerve pathways.

She replaced my contact-lens solution with corrosive acid.

She unleashed upon me lab rats trained to preferentially eat eyes.

She, my ophthalmologist, botched my Lasik surgery.

She exacerbated my diabetes by replacing my insulin with Frappuccino, which led to retinal problems.

She put me under general anesthesia and surgically removed my eyes.

She altered my parents' germ-cell chromosomes before my conception so that I lack the proper genetic code to distinguish the colors red and green.

She calibrated a refraction experiment with her laser pointer that scorched my retinas.

Other great lists from McSweeney's to enjoy:

CREATIONIST
ASTRONOMERS POLLED
REGARDING PLUTO'S
STATUS.

ACTUAL EMAIL USERNAMES
GIVEN BY STUDENTS IN
INTRODUCTORY ASTRONOMY
AT THE UNIVERSITY OF
CALIFORNIA, SANTA BARBARA.

THE DEPLOYMENT
OF CONCEPTS FROM
THEORETICAL PHYSICS.